POETRY

TIRED OF F**KING IT UP

I wish I didn't have to fuck it up.

I wish I could trust my gut, but tough luck,

because when emotions come bubbling up

I can't trust what I think is up.

I project so many of my fears on to you,

to the point I convince myself they're true.

But they've got nothing to do with you,

matter of fact, they've got nothing to do with me.

It's just something from my past

and the only reason these fears still last

is because someone else convinced me that I was to blame

because they went through the same as I am now.

Projecting their fears because they didn't know how

how else to process this pain they'd be given

guilt ridden, wishing they could just rid this condition,

or be convinced that they are forgiven

Instead they pass me the torch and here I am,

blaming you for all that I can, hoping you understand.

And of course you don't because neither did I

so I guess it's time that I try

Try to forgive myself and forgive the lie

Because I'm tired of fucking it up.

It's time to make my own luck.

GROWING PAINS

No one ever changed while comfortable.

You have to lose it all and be vulnerable

and be open to the fact that you're the toxic one,

that they got away from and had to overcome.

And just because we never ever meant to hurt,

doesn't mean that hurt didn't occur.

Because we project way more than we observe,

inflicting a past the present doesn't deserve.

But how do we all become aware of this?

And change our current state into a state of bliss?

Have the courage to face that side of us that we hate?

To brutally honest but still being a mate?

Because the things that we say when we see our own face,

you'd never get away with saying to a mate.

So why do we allow ourselves to disrespect

the one intellect we're meant to protect?

Instead of healing our pain, it's more pain that we gain

then it all becomes a strain we just can't contain,

so it all comes out in the worst of ways.

Then we ask why the one we love isn't the one that stays?

Why the love we had wasn't love enough?

But if we can't love ourselves, then how can we love?

VULNERABILITY ENDEAVOUR 

Just because you're crying, doesn't mean you're vulnerable.

To be able to express emotion is valuable,

but emotions alone won't solve it all.

Because you can both defensive and guarded,

while being emotional and broken hearted.

 

Vulnerability at it's core, means not having walls and lock doors,

it means being willing to get uncomfortable

and honest about our struggle

to separate today from past trouble.

It mean accepting the things you may believe to be true,

are just versions and extension of you.

All that pride and hurt feelings, ego, things we think we know

We've got to have the courage to let that shit go

and let our loved ones know

that we understand we're in the same boat

and that we don't plan on letting them go.

Make sure you tell them so

It's not enough to just express how we feel,

we have to lead with the intention for all involved to heal.

Lead with the understanding that we're all in this together.

And if we can apply empathy, patience and humility,

then we're ready for this endeavor.

STRIVE FOR PERFECTION

It's easy to lose sight of our own reflection

when we're taught to hate our flaws and strive for perfection.

But what does it mean to be perfect?

To be a woman? To be a man?

What does it mean to be a man?

To have it all figured out? Big deal? Big clout?

Don't feel. Don't doubt. Don't heal. Just shout.

Punch it out. With your first.

Till you sprain your own wrist, you get the gist?

And what does it mean to be masculine?

To be feminine? And when do we mend within?

Associating emotions and feelings with weakness

leads full grown men to bury skeletons and secrets.

We don't really know them, it's just pretence

and if you try break through the wall, you're hit with defence.

Because feelings are something for the feminine ones,

but that message is wrong, because how else do you more on?

When you've been done wrong and your heart has been broken

but it wasn't so long ago, your heart was open

and so willing to love, so willing to give,

when love was enough and to love was to live.

But it's easy to lose sight of our own reflection,

when we're taught to hate our flaws and strive for perfection.

WE TAUGHT THEM HOW TO HATE US

Just because we know what to say,

doesn't mean we know how to stay.

We can give some of the best advice 

and not think twice when we look in your eyes

but can we really sit with you? And listen to you?

Without projecting our vision or you, 

confusing ambition with truth and ultimately,

not leaving the decision to you.

Because we all want to be that one and only best friend.

We want to be that hand to lend. 

But it's not about us in the end, it's really about them.

So why do we so much need to be needed,

that we can't see we proceeded to make it all about us?

Abusing their fragile trust. 

But we kick up a fuss,

because we feel like they rejected our love

and didn't let us in, like we're somehow entitled to win.

Win a place in their heart with a complete disregard

of what they came to us with from the start.

And so we depart, us feeling unappreciated

and them feeling alone and lonely.

When we would have been their one and only.

But we were so wrapped up with our status, that instead,

we taught them how to hate us.

CONTACT

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© 2020 by Cat Couture.